There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.