murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
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How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
ME (calling my horse with no name):
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER