Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
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[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die