Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
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*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
How did we not see this back then?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead