People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
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*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store