Just grow your own
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I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.