It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.