Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
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Oh hi lol
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.