You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
You Might Also Like
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope