Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”