Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
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[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.