One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.