So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers