FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I love wikipedia
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.