Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
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triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
huge valentines day plans this year!!
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy