I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
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Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.