My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
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Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
live long and prosper!
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Coffee for people with no kids