Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
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Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.