Trains are just sideway elevators.
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Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.