Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.