Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
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I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING