If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
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Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
plant them where lol
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!