Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.