Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
The USS B port
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
was Jim off killing horses or…
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born