16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
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My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines