Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
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if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I laughed at this way too hard.