i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
You Might Also Like
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Human are so complicated
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I’m giving up for Lent.