In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
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Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Welcome
are there any atheist mantises?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it