Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
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Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
sry
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I don’t know what to do