Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
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Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Me recordaron éste meme
I wish all tests were things you peed on
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
wow
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.