I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover