*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there