The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
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Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.