It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.