The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
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Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
There are no pants in heaven.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.