My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
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Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
found my next D&D character name
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.