Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
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last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
thank god
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.