I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
jesus christ confetti not now
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.