*swipes right on my hand mirror
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.