Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting