There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
You Might Also Like
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
don’t be scared
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Breaking news:
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.