I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
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That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
My last name is Zilla.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay