[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
😂😂
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny