[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
yeah not falling for this one