Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
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Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Called it
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.