I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
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I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.