I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
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Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.