Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.