Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My time has come.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.