Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
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Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.